


my dearest.

by seshgremlin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Genuine tears, I cried writing this, M/M, hange is mentioned briefly, i do believe im the number one jeanmarco stan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:21:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29263437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seshgremlin/pseuds/seshgremlin
Summary: jean is told that writing a letter might help with unresolved feelings. he doesn't believe it at first.
Relationships: Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, jeanmarco - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	my dearest.

**Author's Note:**

> once again, the grammar is shit and it hasn't been proof read.

To Marco,

this is so stupid. 

hange was adamant that writing a ' letter ' would help me resolve my feelings. they were adamant about it. feels like the crazy scientist is breathing down my neck as i'm writing this.

I don't have feelings that need resolving. marco is dead and has been for years. nobody is going to see this. not him, not the higher ups. it's stupid. 

I don't even know how you're meant to write a letter to some one that's fucking dead, but whatever. they won't let me eave until I've finished .. or at least started. 

marco doesn't remember, for obvious reasons. but I remember the first time we met. after we had shadis screaming in our faces for hours, he came and sat next to me in the mess hall, unprompted, for whatever reason. his stupid smile was the only thing that kept me from rolling my eyes and telling him to move on. something about him was .. I don't fucking know. welcoming? accepting? he looked genuinely happy to be there, despite enduring the ear shattering yelling for walls knows how long. he told me he sat with me because we both wanted to go to the military police - obviously I laughed at his reasoning. I still don't believe you really wanted to protect the king. there's no way you'd put your life on the line for that pig. I think you just wanted it for the cushy life like me, but you never said otherwise. and I let you keep your secrets. 

you were always the one to keep me in check, as weird as it sounds. more times than i'd care to admit I would've ended up in the infirmary considering how many fights I would've got into had you not been there. not that I wouldn't of won them, or anything. you know I would of. that suicidal bastard would've been in there more than me had you not held me back. 

I remember that one time we snuck out in the middle of the night sometime through the second year of training and sat on the roof of the barracks. it had been your idea, despite the fact that we could've easily gotten caught by a higher up. you said something about wanting to talk under the stars. when we sat down you didn't say anything. just lay on your back and looked at the boring ass sky. it was as if the sensed my aggravation because the second I went to move you started speaking. you asked me if I believed we were the only people in the world. if beyond the walls there was something .. anything that wasn't titans. I told you I didn't know. and I didn't. I never thought about it. as cowardly as it seems, I didn't want to think about it. just wanted to live my life. get myself married, eat rich foods day in, day out. you asked if I wanted a wife and I couldn't answer. truth be told .. I wanted you. my hesitation had obviously told you everything you needed because .. you kissed me. you fucking kissed me and i called you fucking crazy for it. you just laughed and said our survival was never guaranteed, and that you wanted to live your life the way you wanted. and it was at that point I knew I didn't just have a boyish crush on you. I was in fucking love with you.

I can't look at the stars anymore. I can't do it without thinking of you. thinking of the way we would spend most our nights up there, regardless of how tired we would be for training the next day. the way we'd make shapes out of the stars, discuss the future .. our future. what we wanted out house to look like, setting days the two of us would do the cleaning, the shopping. maybe even … adopting a few kids. it was stupid to get our hopes up now that I think about it. but it made our days that much more bearable, knowing we had each other. 

the first time you caught me sketching, you asked me to draw you. I had rolled my eyes and told you I couldn't draw people, only landscapes. even then they were mediocre at best. yet you insisted. so I did. I sketched you again, and again, and again. sometimes you were aware, sometimes you weren't, and sometimes even I wasn't aware.

I can't even fucking do that anymore. I kept a sketch of you on me at all times. I lost it and now .. now I can't. I've forgotten what you look like. the shape of the face I adored so dearly. the freckles I would always comment on just to see a blush make them that much more prominent, even in the dark. even your hair. I cant fucking remember any of it and it fucking hurts. it hurts that I cant see you anymore it hurts that I don't remember the sound of your voice and the way you would hum when you were thinking of an adequate way to describe something it hurts that I cant joke with you about stupid fucking things anymore it hurts that you're nothing but a fucking memory that is barely even a memory at this point. it fucking hurts how much I miss you day in and day out. I cant forget you. I cant forget the way you made me feel. I cant forget the way I loved you.

no matter how much I want to, I cant. I don't think I ever will. I don't think i'll ever move on. nobody will compare to you. ever. 

but whatever. duty calls. i'll write again soon. I love you.


End file.
